Counting Down?

Countdown 2 hours from now and it's my birthday.. Happy?

Its been 5 years which means 5 times that the Birthday of mine pass like normal days.

May be with just some birthday greetings.

Should felt at least a little glad?

Will this time be the 6th?

Should not have any high hope on celebrating or surprises but still hoping? kinda stupid?

Maybe I am.

Even though, there is NO WAY of any surprises or celebration for my Birthday. I still hoping there might.

May be is a way to let my self day-dreaming, make my self felt better.

Even, I will wake up from that day-dream and come back to the real world. I still have that kind of hopes.

Is having some hopes a good or bad thing?

Hopes lead to short term happiness and long term disappointments ??

Hopes led to disappointment.

Mine mostly led to disappointment.

The higher the hopes are the deeper disappointment I will get.

Should I start counting how many disappointment I'll get on the day.

Should I just let it passed just like normal days?"without counting"

My Birthday...My Birthday...My Birthday...

*sign*

Counting down 1 hours and 38 mins

How I felt? How should I feel?

Dear Diary,

Every family have their own difficulties.
Mine is kind a complicated or is it?????
A dad act likes doing the right things all the time and does not really cares about other family member feelings, or it it just me?
Mom that always complained and gets angry / upset easily. That's what I felt.
Sisters.. That always make stuff make make me felt angry, upset, annoying and frustrated.....
This is my family.
Is family should be like this??
Used to think that can family is reliable....
But now.... How is it??
Used to have a life 5 years ago.. Have a nice life compare to my current life.
Back the. I have friends or relative I can count on. Talk to. Hang out with.
Now I have nothing.
May be I did not relise it. But I felt that I have nothing/ no one to count on, talk to nor hang out with.
Since I decided to move to another country. Everythigs starting to change.
Most people thinks that life will get better when years passes, but why I felt mine getting worse year by years.
According to the quiz result I think is my fault but I think my dad agree with me that it is my fault that moving to another county is a big mistake. I think is a mistake but at the same time is not..
So is it really a mistake??
Sometime I try to tell myself " it's ok" "relax" "to late to regret it" "it'll be better".
Who am I kidding - myself
Nothing is ok, how to relax, yes too late to regret it's your fault, better?? GOOD LUCK WITH IT..
My life is poor and lonely.
YES, POOR and LONELY
Can't get good or even average on studies.
Hard to get a job. What am I going to do?
Have nothing really nothing.. Right??
:(

-THE END-

QUIZ RESULT??

How well do you handle stress? Mostly Cs Just who are you trying to please? Do you even know anymore? You are so busy trying to please people at any cost that you’ve lost track of your own feelings, meaning that you’re burying anger and resentment. While you may seem on the surface to be so unselfish that you're practically a saint, inside you're probably a seething mass of hostility and guilt. Often you find it difficult to deal with stressful situations because you view everything as your "fault". Loss of a job or relationship can sink you into depression, and you find that emotional upheaval often results in physical symptoms of illness. You may find that assertiveness training will assist with overcoming your fear of rejection and speaking out. Your own needs and desires are just as important as everyone else's. -THE END-

It's been quite sometime....

Dear Diary,

How long has it been since last entry? Around 2 years and 6 months?

Been so long, and here I am writing my UNhappy feelings again.

I've been very tired of my feelings and my thoughts.

I've been very upset, angry then pretend I'm fine and get upset and angry again.

Did I hide my feelings from others? Or it is UNnoticeable? Or it is that easy to ignore my feelings?

Who's know.

May be there is not time to care about me? Or I myself would not let them care? Or is it TIMING is the problems?

Am I a brat, mean person in their hearts?

What do stress really felt like? What do depression felt like? How to defined these feelings?

Sometimes, I do not know how I felt or what I felt emotional. Do I laugh because it's funny or because i should. Sometimes I really have no idea why. WHY??

*sign*

Have no ideas of my future plan, at least not anymore.

Have confused emotions quite sometimes.

My mind is always blank, or is it I do not know my thought unable to reach to my thought anymore?

What should I do? What can I do?

I can't go back time and changes things.

I don't even know how to change the current situation I'm in.

Or is it deep down in me I unwilling to do so

Who knows.

*Humps*

Really............. Really............. NO IDEAS......

-THE END-

23/09/2009

Dear diary,

I finish my studies today..
get to finish early a week because I'm up to dates in my work and done the last assessment and passed it..

which mean I'm done everything so what next??

looking for job to work first but is not easy to get a job especially with NONE experience after that planning to look for another course to continue studies..

WHAT TO DO... WHAT TO DO..

hope that i can get the lucks that i need to make my life smooth..

please make my life smooth and easy for me..

if not i really not sure that i can handle it and not stress out..



-THE END-

things in my minds these few days

dear dairy,

I'm back to write something..
now my studies left 3 to 2 weeks countdown..and i have no idea what i going to do next..
what will my next stop me?
should i look for a job/get a job OR focus on what course i plan to take next..

Here some option on my next course but seem that i cant decide..
A.hotel management
B. business
C. Language(English)
D.Nursing??

what if get job? what kinds of job should i look for?
A.travel Agent/Consultant
B.hotel reservation
C.wholesaler in travel
D.anything related to my course?

really cant make any decision now.or should i takes things slow?
but i feel like things going very slow but time going pretty fast..
OMG!!
Wish me Luck on figure it out soon
+oil

-The End-

30AUG09 weekly dairy

Dear Dairy,


This week i start my work experience and just for a week to observe what the company do how they work and help up.. But too bad my timing is not that good which now is in winter season so there's not much to do so i just sat there and wondering=p..By the way is a rental company=) during that time text my cousin and chat and she said some quite funny things to me such as if my school wants us to write a report then I'll cry and etc=p which of course i hope that i doesn't need to write a report+ i really have nothing to write.


This week i started to talk to her(my sister)cause of the youngest not well so in the end have to talk to the young to look after her...felt that my personality is weak not strong enough..must try to be more strong..+oil..


Don't know what do i want to do in the future do i wants to continue in travel industry or change??

And change to what subject?A little confusing hopefully can figure it out soon...Wish me Luck



-The End-